Raising teens

Learning how to cope with challenges and disappointments doesn’t come easily for anyone. Carers play an important role in helping the kids in their care learn how to solve problems.

At the beginning, you’ll need to help your teen work through their problems, using some of the tools and strategies described here. Eventually, you’ll be able to pull back and let them work through problems on their own. Being able to sort things out for themselves will be a big confidence-booster.

Take the fear out of failure

Sometimes kids with low self-esteem may take failure very hard, or might be too scared to look for a solution in case they fail. Help your teen understand that making mistakes is one of the best ways to learn. Tell them about the times you made mistakes or failed, and talk positively about what you learned and how you feel about it now.

Comfort the worrier

Reassure your teen that their brain is forever learning new skills and that they will get better at things the more they practise them. Finding answers and solving problems might seem hard now – but it will get easier.

Identify the problem

Problems are often wrapped up in a lot of emotion. It helps to put aside the arguments and focus on the facts. So instead of the problem being ‘Why don’t you care more about your school work?’ it becomes ‘What needs to change so that you start getting your school assignments done on time?’. Factual problems are easier to solve than emotional ones.

Look for reasons

Talk with your teen about how and why the problem has developed. Listen without interrupting – you might discover something about the situation that you didn’t know.

Make a list of solutions

Write down all the possible solutions that you and your child can think of. These could be realistic or crazy – it doesn’t matter at this stage and the more open you are to ideas, the more comfortable your teen will feel. Don’t offer any judgments or opinions while the ideas are being collected.

Evaluate the solutions

Go through the solutions and make notes about the positives for each one, and then the negatives. Solutions where the negatives really outweigh the positives can be crossed off the list. Then it’s a matter of going through the remaining solutions to decide which one is really the best one. It might help to give each solution a mark out of 10 to guide the discussion.

Make a plan

Once you’ve decided on a solution, you’ll need to work out how to make it happen. Talk with the child or young person about who needs to do what and when. If the solution requires having a conversation with someone, for example if your child needs to ask a teacher for more time on a school assignment, then it might help to practise the conversation.

Look back on the solution

Deciding on a course of action doesn’t mean the problem has been solved. Check back in with your child to see how things are going. If everything has gone well, then it’s worth stopping to talk about how problem-solving together helped. If it didn’t, then you might need to come up with a better solution.

Teens need their own personal space, and their own mental space, too. Privacy gives them the room they need to forge a sense of identity and develop their independence. But they’re not on their own yet! Your teen may be pushing for independence, but you know they still need your guidance. Here are some ideas about how to show your teen that you trust and respect them, while also keeping them supported and protected.

Keep talking and listening

Be around. Be attentive. Be interested in what your child has to say. If the conversations keep flowing, then you’ll have a good sense of what’s going on in your teen’s life and how they’re feeling, without ever having to pry. If your teen starts a conversation with you, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention. Your child wants to know that what they say matters to you.

Respect physical boundaries

Get in the habit of knocking before you enter your child’s room, and checking with them before you look for something in their school bag or borrow their phone or computer.

Be upfront about what you need to know

Tell your teen there are things you need to know so you can be sure they’re safe, and that you expect them to share that information with you. For example, you need to know where they are when they go out, who they’re with and how they’re going to get there and back.

Relax about what you don’t need to know

There are things about your teen’s life that you may want to know, but you don’t really need to know. For example, you probably don’t need to know who your teen has a crush on or why they fell out with a friend. If communication is good between the two of you, you can certainly ask those questions – but don’t take it personally if your teen doesn’t want to answer.

Stay involved in younger teens’ online lives

In the early years, it’s smart to be very actively involved in what your child is doing online. Talk about how to use the internet safely, insist that devices are used in public areas of the house, and perhaps consider using settings or software that limit what your child can do online.

Don’t spy on older teens

As your teen gets older, keep up the conversations about what they’re doing online, but think long and hard before undermining their privacy by demanding passwords, logging on to their devices or using software to track their activity. It’s better to make it clear what your expectations are, and ensure that your teen knows they can always come to you with any worries around what they encounter online.

Look deeper

If the teen in your care repeatedly breaks your trust and shows no signs of being sorry, or if their behaviour is getting risky or self-destructive, it could be a sign that they are struggling to deal with the trauma and disruption in their past. Talk to your caseworker; it might be time to get help from a counsellor or psychologist.

Take action

If you have urgent concerns for your child, or if you don’t know where they are, call your caseworker or the 24-hour Child Protection Hotline on 132 111. If you believe your child is in immediate danger, contact the police straight away.

In the teen years, kids typically have money in their pocket – and want to spend it. Having your own money, and saving for something you really want, are things that help teenagers prepare for life as an adult.

Organise pocket money

Many families match pocket money to the age of the child, so a 13-year-old gets $13 a week and so on. Pocket money should be covered by your care allowance. To kick-start the saving habit, encourage kids to pick something to save for (like a concert or a video game). Help them work out a savings plan that will get them to their goal. Carers with other kids at home should make sure that everyone gets pocket money according to the same scale, and everyone has the same guidelines for how they spend and save.

Set some limits

For some kids, having access to large amounts of money might increase their risk of getting into trouble, including buying drugs, alcohol or cigarettes. You might want to set a limit on how much money they can access.

Let kids make mistakes

Letting your child manage their own money, within the guidelines you have set, is a confidence booster and shows you trust them. If you think your teen is doing something silly, like buying a product that is overpriced or poor quality, tell them what you think but don’t stop them and don’t offer to replace the money wasted. The best way to learn about money is to make mistakes.

Be clear about lending and borrowing

Most adults borrow money at some stage, either from friends, family or from a financial institution. Teach teens a few rules around lending and borrowing money. It’s always better not to borrow if you can avoid it, but if you do, you must be responsible about paying it back on time. The rules are the same whether your child borrows from you or from friends.

Explain the cost of technology

Many teens own and use devices such as smartphones and laptops. Have a conversation about the value of these items, and who will cover the costs of phone calls, data, shopping and in-app purchases.

Set up a bank account

Teens can save money in a personal bank account. Setting up an account may require identification documents such as a birth certificate. Caseworkers can help you and your teen access those documents.

Develop a Leaving Care Plan

Caseworkers will develop a Leaving Care Plan for your child after they turn 15, even if they are staying on in your home. It provides a focus for caseworkers and carers to consider whether the teen has the living skills they need for life as an independent adult, including managing money, looking after their health and wellbeing, and achieving education and employment goals.

It is illegal for children to smoke or drink alcohol before the age of 18. The use of illicit drugs, or prescription drugs that haven’t been subscribed by the person’s doctor, is illegal at any age. However, most Australian teenagers have had some experience with alcohol and cigarettes before the age of 17, and many have used or been exposed to illegal drugs.

Drug and alcohol use can have serious short-term and long-term impacts for teens, and can lead to dependency in adulthood. It’s important to encourage a responsible attitude, but also to help teens stay safe. One of the most influential things you can do is to model safe and healthy behaviour that your teen can learn from: drink responsibly, don’t smoke and don’t use illegal drugs.

Keep up communication

Support your teen’s friendships and growing independence, but make sure you still find time to catch up and talk one-on-one. Make sure your child understands your attitude to under-age drinking and drug use, and the boundaries you have set. Try to keep up to date about who your child hangs out with, where they are and what they do when they’re not at home.

Explain the legal age for drinking

Talk to your child about why there is a legal age limit on drinking. Explain that the parts of the brain that look after learning, planning and emotional stability are still developing during the teenage years and that alcohol interrupts that development. Using alcohol in adolescence can lead to memory loss, learning difficulties and mental health issues including anxiety and depression.

Keep it real

Be straight with kids about the scary side of taking drugs, drinking and smoking when they’re under age. Let them know about the health impacts and criminal consequences in an age-appropriate way. Explain that smoking can give you cancer and other diseases; that drinking can make you take risks that might hurt or kill you; and that taking drugs, or even holding them for a friend, can lead to a criminal charge.

Be aware of what drives drug and alcohol use

Kids in care may start using drugs and alcohol to ease the pain of trauma or the symptoms of mental health issues such as depression, or because they have grown up around drug and alcohol use. If your teen is using drugs or alcohol, try to find out more about how they’re feeling. It could be they need professional help to cope with difficult emotions. Let your caseworker know what’s happening so they can connect you with any services you need, and update the Case Plan.

Talk about risk and regret

Drugs and alcohol change the chemical balance of the brain and affect the way a person thinks, feels and makes decisions. Explain to your teen that they might do things under the influence of drugs or alcohol that they wouldn’t do normally; things that are dangerous or that they may regret later. If they’re using drugs or alcohol regularly, they may also find that they start feeling moody, anxious, panicked or unmotivated most of the time.

Explain the dangers of excessive drinking

Explaining the difference between how teens and adults react to alcohol can be helpful. Teach kids that teenagers are less sensitive to the sedative effects of alcohol than adults. That means they’re likely to keep on drinking long after most adults would have called it a night, making it easy for them to drink to excess and put themselves at risk of things like unsafe sex or violence.

Talk about dependency and addiction

Teenagers can become dependent on drugs much more quickly than adults, and drinking in adolescence significantly increases the chance of a person becoming dependent on alcohol later in life. Help the child in your care to understand that their behaviour now puts them at risk of dependency and addiction in the future.

Remain supportive and approachable

If you think your child is using alcohol or drugs, let them know you’re worried about them and that you’re there to listen to them whenever they’re ready to talk. When they do open up to you, listen to what they have to say and try to respond in a non-judgmental way. It’s important you let your caseworker know what’s going on, so they can keep an eye on it, too, and organise support services if that would be helpful. If you have talked to your teenager about their alcohol or drug use and they’re open to getting some support, offer to help them find the right sort of information or services. You could suggest looking for advice online, calling a support service or speaking to a local doctor. Remember that being supportive isn’t the same as approving of your child’s drug or alcohol use.

Keep them safe

If you know your teen is using alcohol or drugs, talk to them about staying safe. Make sure they know:

• never to use drugs or alcohol if they don’t know where they came from or what’s in them
• never use them when they’re alone
• never mix drugs and alcohol.

Remind them that their ability to make good judgments may be affected and they should try not to rush into taking a risk or doing something they wouldn’t normally do. Most importantly, tell them to get in touch with you any time they feel scared or unsafe so you can get them out of that situation.

Relationships in the teenage years can be highly emotional or strangely detached, loud-and-proud or secretive. And they often involve exploring physical intimacy and sexual feelings.

Teenage relationships may come with additional challenges for kids who have experienced trauma or been exposed to domestic violence. These kids may be at risk of ending up in violent or disrespectful relationships. Sometimes they may be the ones being abused; sometimes they are the ones being abusive. In both cases, teens need support to recognise the choices they have and learn about ways to build relationships.

Remind teens they’re the boss of their own bodies

Let your teen know that no-one can touch their body unless they are ready and happy for it to happen. If they’re doing something because they think they should, or because everyone else is doing it, then they’re not really ready to give their consent and should think again before they go any further.

Define deal breakers

Encourage kids to think about what is and isn’t okay in a relationship. Tell them that they don’t have to put up with being disrespected, disregarded, lied to, verbally abused, emotionally abused or physically hurt by anyone. Any one of these things is a good reason to re-evaluate the relationship. Pointing out good things in your own relationship can sometimes help: ‘John is a great husband. We’re a team when it comes to raising you and your brother.’

Support kids to say ‘no’

Remind your teen they can say ‘no’ to anything, from going on a date, to leaving a party or ending a relationship. Let them know they can always call on you to help them get out of any situation that makes them feel uncomfortable, unsafe or pressured.

Be sensitive to break-up triggers

The end of a teen relationship can be devastating. For kids in care, it may trigger deep feelings around being unwanted or unloved. It’s normal for teenagers to be upset after a break-up, but if your child’s feelings seem very intense, or go on for a long time, or you think they are at risk of self-harm, get some support from your caseworker or family doctor.

Talk about staying safe

Not all teenage relationships involve sex, but this is the time when many young people start to become sexually active – and your teen is legally able to consent to sex after the age of 16. It’s sensible to make sure your child knows how to stay safe when sexually active. This includes talking about contraception and how to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. If this conflicts with your religious or moral beliefs, ask a mentor or caseworker to have this discussion with your teen.

Talk about mutual consent

Sexual activity is only okay when those involved are not being threatened, pressured or tricked into their decision and when they are clearly capable of giving their consent (in other words, they’re not drunk or unconscious). Also explain that consent can be withdrawn at any time if a person changes their mind about what’s going on. Let your child know that they can always talk to you if they are uncertain about any of this, without getting in trouble.

Explain the laws around sexting

Sexting is using the internet or a phone to share nude or sexual images. A lot of teenagers use sexting as a way to flirt, but it’s considered a crime when it involves anyone under the age of 18. Sexting can lead to serious penalties including being listed on the sex offender register. Make sure your teenager understands that it’s not okay to send, receive or share a nude or sexual image, or to ask someone to take an image of that kind.

If your child receives an image, they should delete it and not forward it on. If it came from someone they know, they can tell them they don’t want to receive anymore. Otherwise they can unfriend the sender, or block that number from their phone. You may also need to let the school or police know.

Explain privacy and harassment

It is wrong to take naked, revealing or sexual images of someone without their permission, for example when they’re in the shower or getting changed. It is also against the law to use sexting to make someone feel humiliated or threatened. Penalties can be serious. If you believe your teen has had inappropriate images taken, or they’re being harassed, contact your caseworker and make a report to the police. If the harassment is ongoing, your caseworker may consider getting a protection order against the person, such as an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO).

Get help for acting-out

Teens who have been abused, especially sexually abused, may begin to act out their trauma. This could involve repeating the behaviour, either by doing it to other kids or encouraging kids to do it to them. Or it could involve making themselves sexually available to adults. This is risky behaviour and is a sign that the child in your care needs professional help to deal with their trauma. Speak to your caseworker to get some support organised.

Get professional support

If a relationship is putting the teen or others at risk, and you feel like you can’t handle it on your own, talk to the caseworker about arranging professional support. It might be necessary to develop a Behaviour Support Plan with input from you, the caseworker and a psychologist.

Learning to drive is a big milestone for many teenagers. Most carers feel some anxiety when teens start driving, and with good reason. Young drivers make up around 15 per cent of all drivers in NSW, but account for more than a third of all road fatalities. Lack of experience is a factor, but accidents involving teenage drivers are often linked to risky behaviours such as speeding, driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, getting distracted, and driving when tired.

Be a driving role model

Drive safely and follow the rules of the road at all times, including drinking responsibly when you’re driving. Kids are more likely to be involved in car accidents or break road laws when the adults around them have a history of crashes or traffic violations.

Organise driving lessons

In NSW, teenagers can apply for a licence to drive a car at the age of 16 (for motorbikes, the age is 16 and nine months). Helping kids get on the road safely is a positive step. Learning to drive can be included in a young person's Leaving Care Plan. In cases where the young person doesn’t have regular access to a car, DCJ may also consider paying for additional lessons. Ask your caseworker for more information on what sort of support is available for the teen in your care who is learning to drive.

Get out on the road with your teen

Professional driving courses are valuable, but your teen can also get experience driving with you. Try to stay calm. If you feel like they’re not listening to you or that they’re making mistakes, ask them to pull over and come to a stop, and then talk to them calmly about what they need to be doing.

Think about a safe driving course

Young people in statutory out-of-home care and young people up to the age of 25 who have left care may be eligible to complete the Safer Drivers Course for free (usually $140). The course teaches young drives how to reduce road risks and cope with distractions.

Your caseworker will have more information about the free Safer Drivers Course. Talk to your caseworker about the steps to enrolling with a Roads and Maritime Services accredited Safer Drivers Course provider today.

Lay down the law

Teens must make sure everyone is wearing a seatbelt, music is at a reasonable volume, and that they don’t use phones or other electronic devices, even hands-free. In NSW, L-plate and P-plate drivers must have a zero blood alcohol reading. Other restrictions also apply: check details with Roads and Maritime Services.

Check your insurance

Even good drivers have accidents. If your child will be using your car, make sure that your insurance covers teenage drivers. If it doesn’t, and something goes wrong, you could end up with a very large bill.

Thrill-seeking is normal among teenagers. They do it to explore their own abilities, test their limits, and express themselves as individuals. Prepare yourself for mistakes and slip-ups, and help your teen to learn from them.

Be your teen’s back-up

Stay in touch with what your teen is doing and who they’re seeing. Welcome friends over and know who they are. Let your child know you can always help them get out of tricky situations, whether it’s picking them up from a party early or helping them work out how to deal with peer pressure.

Engage with school

Kids who are actively involved in school are less likely to get into risk-taking behaviour. Get kids to try out for sports and school plays, go to camps, join the debating team, the band or the choir, or help out at fundraising days.

Have a break from friends

Kids with low self-esteem are more easily influenced by their peers – and teenagers are more than twice as likely to take a risk in the company of friends. If you are concerned about the influence of friends, create an opportunity for your child to spend time away from them. Encourage them to take up a new sport or social activity. Or take a few days off and head  out of town. If you go on holiday, make sure you let your caseworker know.

Get support for extreme moods or behaviour

When behaviour is dangerous, violent or there is self-harm or sadness that lasts more than a few days, it’s vital you seek help from the caseworker or school, as well as professional support. The first priority is to keep the teenager safe. In serious cases, where there is a threat to the safety of the child or others, you may need to contact police.