Raising tweens
Caring for kids as they approach the teenage years can be tough at times, but you have a big role to play in guiding the child in your care through this important life stage. Through your behaviour and your conversations you can help your teen understand that they can and should have all the health and happiness in the world. Your love, patience and hard work will have benefits that last a lifetime.
Strategies for negotiations
When you negotiate with the child in your care, you’re supporting their growing independence and teaching them how to look ahead, think about other people, consider consequences, learn from mistakes and make good decisions. You’re also avoiding stress and conflict by setting up situations that both of you can feel good about.
Think first...
If your child surprises you with a demand, don’t feel like you have to respond immediately. Let them know it’s something the two of you will have to talk about, and set aside a time for that conversation. Remember to follow through with the conversation as soon as possible so they know you aren’t just putting them off, and that you’re serious about sharing the decision-making.
...then listen
Let your child start the conversation and listen closely, without interruption. Try to focus on what they’re saying instead of thinking ahead to what you’re going to say next. They might tell you something that completely challenges your assumptions about what’s going on.
Check that you have understood
Show you are making a genuine effort to understand the child’s point of view by telling them in your own words what you have heard. You could say something like,’ Okay, so what I’m hearing is... Is that right?’.
Stick to the facts
When you’re negotiating, try to avoid judgmental language. Focus on the facts without letting your opinions take over the conversation. For example, don’t say, ‘I can’t believe you want to wear that trashy outfit’; instead say, ‘You want to wear that skirt, but I don’t think it’s appropriate’.
Use your authority wisely
The child in your care may be growing up, but you are still responsible for their safety and wellbeing. Stand firm on things you know will put them at risk of harm, but make it clear that, within those boundaries, you’ll support them to do what they want to do.
Problem-solve together
If you haven’t found common ground yet, ask the child some more questions about what they want and why. For example, if you have asked your child not to use social media during the school week and they refuse, you might say, ‘What I’m worried about is that it’s distracting you from getting your homework done. How much time do you think you need for social media, and then how much time do you need for your homework?’. Use you’re your child’s answers to push on with negotiations.
Take a break
If things are getting heated, it’s a good idea to take a break. Let kids know that you need to cool down for a moment and agree on a good time to restart the conversation.
If you’re wrong, apologise. It’s the best mentoring lesson you can give.
Don’t sugar-coat it
It could be that the final decision is very different from what your child was originally asking for. Stay as neutral as you can. Don’t try to convince them that the agreed course of action will be better for them or that they’ll appreciate it later. Give them space to come to terms with it in their own time, and make their own conclusions.
Don’t say ‘I told you so’
Sometimes a negotiation leads to a decision that you’re not entirely happy with. For example, your child may end up spending money on something you’re sure they won’t use much in the future. If it turns out you were right, don’t make a big deal about it. Learning from mistakes in childhood and adolescence is part of becoming a good decision-maker as an adult.