Raising tweens

As they approach adolescence, kids begin to question how their family and cultural background fit in with their own sense of self. Carers play a crucial role in promoting and maintaining the connections that support a child’s understanding of where they come from, who they are and who they want to be.

Talk up positive family traits

Help tweens feel good about themselves by pointing out the positives in their family. You could say: “Your mum has the most wonderful laugh!” or “I think you’ll be as tall as your dad one day”.

Celebrate the differences – and the similarities

Help make your tween feel proud of their unique qualities by talking in a positive way about what makes them different to you. Show an interest in their language, religion, culture and even their looks. But help them feel like part of your family, too, by talking about the things they have in common: maybe they like the same food or music, or have the same interests as others in your household.

Encourage curiosity

Cultural connections are fundamental to the wellbeing of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children. Ask your caseworker about your child’s Cultural Case Plan and work together to meet those goals. Ask questions about your child’s language, stories and cultural practices. If they don’t know the answers, help them connect with people who can teach them more.

Make connections

Find out about cultural clubs, events or activities that you and your child can get involved in. Reach out to the elders of your child’s cultural community. They can answer your questions and help guide you away from well-meaning mistakes. They can also be wonderful role models for your tween.

Acknowledge cultural milestones

Carers and caseworkers should make sure tweens have regular contact with people from their cultural community and that significant cultural and religious events and rituals are honoured.

Connect with big family moments

Tweens may want to feel connected to their birth family’s milestones. If it’s appropriate, caseworkers and carers can arrange for kids to be part of events such as birthdays, weddings and school graduations. Some cultures have rituals that should be honoured as a child grows up. Caseworkers and carers can work together to make sure those important moments are observed.

Help out with Life Story work

Life Story work lets your tween reflect on their past as well as what they’re doing now. Let your tween know you’d like to contribute. Offer to help gather information and collect things like photos and awards.

Make it permanent

If it’s appropriate, you can move to create permanency in the relationship by applying for guardianship or adoption of your tween. If you want to know more about these options, talk to your caseworker. Be aware that adoption is not usually an option for Aboriginal children.

Having a good bunch of friends makes kids feel secure and valued. It also helps them feel like they belong. But making and keeping friends isn’t always easy for tweens. Sometimes kids who have experienced abuse and neglect feel insecure and vulnerable, and find it hard to trust people. Create opportunities for your child to stay in touch with old friends as well as make new ones. And talk to them about what it takes to build a good relationship.

Lead by example

The way you behave and interact with your child will set the pattern for the relationships they make with others. Teach good conversation skills by using friendly eye contact, listening to what your child has to say, asking questions and taking turns talking. Let your child see you using good manners, at home and when you’re out, and prompt them to say things like please, thank you and excuse me. Show how to be kind and considerate of other people, for example by standing back to let someone pass through on a crowded footpath, or picking up something someone has dropped to return it to them.

Encourage empathy

Teach kids to understand how their actions affect others. Keep an eye out for opportunities to help your child see those connections. For example, you might say ‘Can you hear the dog growling now? That’s because it doesn’t like you pulling its ears’ or ‘That little boy is hiding from us now. Do you think it scared him when you started shouting?’.

Talk about being a good friend

Remind kids that friendship is a two-way relationship and that it’s important to be a good listener. Teach them to be kind, caring and respectful, not to put other people down, not to pressure their peers, not to gossip and not to judge people by their appearance.

Support existing friendships

Do as much as you can to help kids stay connected with old friends, extended family and existing social networks like dance classes or sports teams. It may mean that you spend extra time travelling to neighbourhoods, clubs or activities outside your local area, but your child will benefit from maintaining those relationships.

Be open to contact with former carers

Your child may want to keep in touch with carers and foster siblings from previous placements. Check in with your caseworker to ensure this is safe and appropriate, and do what you can to support the relationships that are meaningful to your child.

Look into new pastimes and hobbies

If your child is not making friends easily, think about encouraging them to pursue an interest like art or sport outside of school. If you have time, you could start up a regular activity for your child and some of the other kids at school or in the neighbourhood, like a weekly bushwalk, regular kick-arounds at the park, or a craft club at home.

Get to know your child's friends

Invite your child to have friends over to the house, and try your best to help them get to social events and activities with their new friends. Make it as easy for them to strengthen the new friendships they make.

Don’t rush to judge

Sometimes you might disapprove of the friends your child is making. At this age, your disapproval could just make those friends seem more attractive. First, listen without judgment and take the opportunity to discuss what it means to be a good friend. If you continue to be concerned about the connections your child is making and the influence they might be under, talk to their teacher or have a discussion with your caseworker.

Check out programs for kids in care

Some kids in care are more comfortable in the company of other kids in out-of-home care. Groups like Connecting Carers NSW, the Create Foundation and the University of Western Sydney run camps, workshops and other special programs specifically designed for kids in care.

As kids approach their teen years they become more self-conscious and more aware of how their bodies look. At this age, a positive body image can be an incredibly influential contributor to mental health and wellbeing.

Body image can be particularly challenging for some children in care who struggle with self-esteem. You can encourage the child in your care to eat well, stay active and feel good about their body.

It’s also not unusual for some kids to have a troubled relationship with food. Children who experienced neglect in a home where there was no regular source of food may secretly hoard food or binge eat. Others may have developed a pattern of food refusal as a way of asserting some control over their lives.

Introduce good eating routines

Have a regular routine around breakfast, lunch and dinner, and talk about what sorts of snacks are the smart choices between meals (things like fresh fruits and vegetables, or a glass of milk). It might help to put the meals timetable on the fridge or the family noticeboard.

Keep healthy snacks at hand

Have bowls of fruit and other healthy snacks in easy-to-reach places. This can be very reassuring for kids who have experienced food insecurity and may help them give up hoarding behaviour.

Be a body image role model

It will be easier for your child to feel good about their body if they see that you feel positive about your own body. Eat well, stay active, and talk in terms of what your body can do, not how it looks.

Challenge the stereotypes

At some stage, you’ll probably notice your child comparing themselves to images they see in the media. Talk to your child about how the media manipulates body image and how real-life healthy bodies come in all shapes and sizes.

Talk about health (not weight)

If you choose to talk to your child about their relationship with food, focus more on health and how they’re feeling, and less on food, weight or body shape. Tell them you want to help them feel happier and healthier. If you get an angry or defensive reaction, don’t argue. Let it go, and try again another time.

Be realistic around behaviour change

It may take time for children to let go of old habits and start to learn new ones. Encourage healthy eating habits, but be prepared for progress to be slow.

When you negotiate with the child in your care, you’re supporting their growing independence and teaching them how to look ahead, think about other people, consider consequences, learn from mistakes and make good decisions. You’re also avoiding stress and conflict by setting up situations that both of you can feel good about.

Think first...

If your child surprises you with a demand, don’t feel like you have to respond immediately. Let them know it’s something the two of you will have to talk about, and set aside a time for that conversation. Remember to follow through with the conversation as soon as possible so they know you aren’t just putting them off, and that you’re serious about sharing the decision-making.

...then listen

Let your child start the conversation and listen closely, without interruption. Try to focus on what they’re saying instead of thinking ahead to what you’re going to say next. They might tell you something that completely challenges your assumptions about what’s going on.

Check that you have understood

Show you are making a genuine effort to understand the child’s point of view by telling them in your own words what you have heard. You could say something like,’ Okay, so what I’m hearing is... Is that right?’.

Stick to the facts

When you’re negotiating, try to avoid judgmental language. Focus on the facts without letting your opinions take over the conversation. For example, don’t say, ‘I can’t believe you want to wear that trashy outfit’; instead say, ‘You want to wear that skirt, but I don’t think it’s appropriate’.

Use your authority wisely

The child in your care may be growing up, but you are still responsible for their safety and wellbeing. Stand firm on things you know will put them at risk of harm, but make it clear that, within those boundaries, you’ll support them to do what they want to do.

Problem-solve together

If you haven’t found common ground yet, ask the child some more questions about what they want and why. For example, if you have asked your child not to use social media during the school week and they refuse, you might say, ‘What I’m worried about is that it’s distracting you from getting your homework done. How much time do you think you need for social media, and then how much time do you need for your homework?’. Use you’re your child’s answers to push on with negotiations.

Take a break

If things are getting heated, it’s a good idea to take a break. Let kids know that you need to cool down for a moment and agree on a good time to restart the conversation.

Don’t sugar-coat it

It could be that the final decision is very different from what your child was originally asking for. Stay as neutral as you can. Don’t try to convince them that the agreed course of action will be better for them or that they’ll appreciate it later. Give them space to come to terms with it in their own time, and make their own conclusions.

Don’t say ‘I told you so’

Sometimes a negotiation leads to a decision that you’re not entirely happy with. For example, your child may end up spending money on something you’re sure they won’t use much in the future. If it turns out you were right, don’t make a big deal about it. Learning from mistakes in childhood and adolescence is part of becoming a good decision-maker as an adult.

Anger is as valid as any other emotion and is something all kids need to learn to manage, especially as they approach the teenage years. The goal isn’t about feeling no anger at all; it’s about managing anger in the right way. Kids who have grown up around adults with poor anger management may be inclined to lash out. You can do a lot to teach self-awareness and self-control.

Acknowledge anger

Your child will probably give you plenty of signals when they’re angry: they’ll scowl, slam doors, throw school bags, speak rudely to you or other people in the household. But they probably won’t volunteer information about what made them angry. Let your child know you can see they’re angry and encourage them to talk about what made them feel that way.

Talk about feelings

Your child might find it hard to recognise that they are angry or to explain the reason for the anger. They may have difficulty identifying their feelings. Putting a name to feelings can be the first step. Talk about feelings on a day-to-day basis (not just when there is an anger crisis in the house), and encourage them to name and describe them. Visual cues such as happy, sad and angry faces can be helpful tools.

Empathise, but don’t excuse

When your child explains why they’re upset, let them know you can understand why that issue or event has made them angry – but also remind them that anger is not an excuse for being aggressive or rude. If they have done or said something rough or inconsiderate, ask them how they think it made the people around them feel. And ask them how it made them feel, too.

Make exercise a priority

Holding on to stress can make it all too easy to tip over into anger. You can help your child lose some of that stress by encouraging them to do some regular exercise. Some kids will enjoy fast-paced activities like team sports or athletics. Others will respond better to less competitive, more meditative activities like yoga, bushwalking, swimming and martial arts.

Identify the anger, and rate it

Teach kids how to spot when they’re beginning to get upset. Some will clench their muscles, grind their teeth, turn red or start breathing fast. Others will try to hide their anger and end up with headaches or stomach aches. Encourage them to rate their anger on a scale of one to 10. Get them to think about how their body is responding as anger increases or decreases. The angrier they are, the harder it will be to bring that anger back under control.

If the anger level is low, tactics like deep breathing, going for a walk or listening to some music can help. If it is high, your child might need to spend some time on their own, or get some help from you to calm down.

Encourage a cool down

[Taking a break from a confronting situation makes it easier to keep anger under control. Let your child know that taking time to cool down is a smart strategy, and that you will respect their need for time and privacy. The school-based mental health and wellbeing initiative KidsMatter has some great relaxation techniques for kids to try.

Time in, not ‘time out’

Some families use ‘time out’ to encourage a child to bring their behaviour back under control – but time out in isolation can be distressing for kids who have experienced trauma. For those kids, it is better to take a ‘time in’ approach. When things are getting heated, ask your child to slow down, sit down, think about what’s going on and perhaps talk it through with you.

Look for patterns and triggers

When the episode has passed, think about what triggered the rage and consider whether there are some emotions, situations or even words that commonly spark anger. Keeping a diary can help. If you see a pattern emerging, try to find an opportunity to discuss it with your child so you can both think about ways to deal with those triggers. It could be about thinking ahead to avoid those moments. Or it could be about recognising the anger reaction and finding different ways to react.

Be in it for the long run

Sometimes, anger, rage and even physical violence were the responses that helped kids who are now in care survive a chaotic or traumatic family environment. Those behaviours can take a long time to unlearn. If you can be patient, understanding and supportive and continue to model good anger management skills yourself, you will be helping to set up a happier, healthier, more productive future.

Get extra help if it's needed

If your child is frequently and intensely angry, or you feel like you are struggling to cope, let your caseworker know that you need support. For kids in care, anger is often related to genuinely challenging or traumatic life situations and it could be that professional psychological or counselling services are needed.

Look after yourself, too

These angry episodes may be more than you have ever had to handle before. If you’re really not coping, talk to the caseworker or psychologist. They may be able to suggest new tools or strategies for managing those situations. The caseworker may be able to organise some respite to give you a break.

Consider a Behaviour Support Plan

A caseworker can look at developing a Behaviour Support Plan if the child is putting themselves or others at risk of serious harm, or if their behaviour is likely to see them excluded from school or other activities. The Plan is developed collaboratively by the carer, the caseworker and relevant specialists. It describes the behaviours that are a concern and outlines safe and constructive strategies to manage or prevent the behaviour. Kids in care should never be disciplined in ways that could make them feel scared or humiliated.