Raising teens
Most young people and their families experience some ups and downs during the early teen years. The child in your care needs you now more than ever, even if it isn’t obvious in the way they behave. The compassion you show and the way you advocate for your teen in these first few years at high school and in their community are hugely important. It helps restore their optimism and pride, and gives them the strength and self-belief they need to think differently about their future.
Developing healthy intimate relationships
Relationships in the teenage years can be highly emotional or strangely detached, loud-and-proud or secretive. And they often involve exploring physical intimacy and sexual feelings.
Teenage relationships may come with additional challenges for kids who have experienced trauma or been exposed to domestic violence. These kids may be at risk of ending up in violent or disrespectful relationships. Sometimes they may be the ones being abused; sometimes they are the ones being abusive. In both cases, teens need support to recognise the choices they have and learn about ways to build relationships.
Remind teens they’re the boss of their own bodies
Let your teen know that no-one can touch their body unless they are ready and happy for it to happen. If they’re doing something because they think they should, or because everyone else is doing it, then they’re not really ready to give their consent and should think again before they go any further.
Define deal breakers
Encourage kids to think about what is and isn’t okay in a relationship. Tell them that they don’t have to put up with being disrespected, disregarded, lied to, verbally abused, emotionally abused or physically hurt by anyone. Any one of these things is a good reason to re-evaluate the relationship. Pointing out good things in your own relationship can sometimes help: ‘John is a great husband. We’re a team when it comes to raising you and your brother.’
Support kids to say ‘no’
Remind your teen they can say ‘no’ to anything, from going on a date, to leaving a party or ending a relationship. Let them know they can always call on you to help them get out of any situation that makes them feel uncomfortable, unsafe or pressured.
Be sensitive to break-up triggers
The end of a teen relationship can be devastating. For kids in care, it may trigger deep feelings around being unwanted or unloved. It’s normal for teenagers to be upset after a break-up, but if your child’s feelings seem very intense, or go on for a long time, or you think they are at risk of self-harm, get some support from your caseworker or family doctor.
Talk about staying safe
Not all teenage relationships involve sex, but this is the time when many young people start to become sexually active – and your teen is legally able to consent to sex after the age of 16. It’s sensible to make sure your child knows how to stay safe when sexually active. This includes talking about contraception and how to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. If this conflicts with your religious or moral beliefs, ask a mentor or caseworker to have this discussion with your teen.
Talk about mutual consent
Sexual activity is only okay when those involved are not being threatened, pressured or tricked into their decision and when they are clearly capable of giving their consent (in other words, they’re not drunk or unconscious). Also explain that consent can be withdrawn at any time if a person changes their mind about what’s going on. Let your child know that they can always talk to you if they are uncertain about any of this, without getting in trouble.
If you’re worried, do something
If you believe the child in your care is having under-age sex, being exposed to pornography, being abused or exploited, or if you think something is triggering memories of past abuse, you must tell your caseworker immediately. Together you can provide the support your child needs.
Explain the laws around sexting
Sexting is using the internet or a phone to share nude or sexual images. A lot of teenagers use sexting as a way to flirt, but it’s considered a crime when it involves anyone under the age of 18. Sexting can lead to serious penalties including being listed on the sex offender register. Make sure your teenager understands that it’s not okay to send, receive or share a nude or sexual image, or to ask someone to take an image of that kind.
If your child receives an image, they should delete it and not forward it on. If it came from someone they know, they can tell them they don’t want to receive anymore. Otherwise they can unfriend the sender, or block that number from their phone. You may also need to let the school or police know.
Explain privacy and harassment
It is wrong to take naked, revealing or sexual images of someone without their permission, for example when they’re in the shower or getting changed. It is also against the law to use sexting to make someone feel humiliated or threatened. Penalties can be serious. If you believe your teen has had inappropriate images taken, or they’re being harassed, contact your caseworker and make a report to the police. If the harassment is ongoing, your caseworker may consider getting a protection order against the person, such as an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO).
Get help for acting-out
Teens who have been abused, especially sexually abused, may begin to act out their trauma. This could involve repeating the behaviour, either by doing it to other kids or encouraging kids to do it to them. Or it could involve making themselves sexually available to adults. This is risky behaviour and is a sign that the child in your care needs professional help to deal with their trauma. Speak to your caseworker to get some support organised.
Get professional support
If a relationship is putting the teen or others at risk, and you feel like you can’t handle it on your own, talk to the caseworker about arranging professional support. It might be necessary to develop a Behaviour Support Plan with input from you, the caseworker and a psychologist.