Raising tweens

Having a good bunch of friends makes kids feel secure and valued. It also helps them feel like they belong. But making and keeping friends isn’t always easy for tweens. Sometimes kids who have experienced abuse and neglect feel insecure and vulnerable, and find it hard to trust people. Create opportunities for your child to stay in touch with old friends as well as make new ones. And talk to them about what it takes to build a good relationship.

Lead by example

The way you behave and interact with your child will set the pattern for the relationships they make with others. Teach good conversation skills by using friendly eye contact, listening to what your child has to say, asking questions and taking turns talking. Let your child see you using good manners, at home and when you’re out, and prompt them to say things like please, thank you and excuse me. Show how to be kind and considerate of other people, for example by standing back to let someone pass through on a crowded footpath, or picking up something someone has dropped to return it to them.

Encourage empathy

Teach kids to understand how their actions affect others. Keep an eye out for opportunities to help your child see those connections. For example, you might say ‘Can you hear the dog growling now? That’s because it doesn’t like you pulling its ears’ or ‘That little boy is hiding from us now. Do you think it scared him when you started shouting?’.

Talk about being a good friend

Remind kids that friendship is a two-way relationship and that it’s important to be a good listener. Teach them to be kind, caring and respectful, not to put other people down, not to pressure their peers, not to gossip and not to judge people by their appearance.

Support existing friendships

Do as much as you can to help kids stay connected with old friends, extended family and existing social networks like dance classes or sports teams. It may mean that you spend extra time travelling to neighbourhoods, clubs or activities outside your local area, but your child will benefit from maintaining those relationships.

Be open to contact with former carers

Your child may want to keep in touch with carers and foster siblings from previous placements. Check in with your caseworker to ensure this is safe and appropriate, and do what you can to support the relationships that are meaningful to your child.

Look into new pastimes and hobbies

If your child is not making friends easily, think about encouraging them to pursue an interest like art or sport outside of school. If you have time, you could start up a regular activity for your child and some of the other kids at school or in the neighbourhood, like a weekly bushwalk, regular kick-arounds at the park, or a craft club at home.

Get to know your child's friends

Invite your child to have friends over to the house, and try your best to help them get to social events and activities with their new friends. Make it as easy for them to strengthen the new friendships they make.

Don’t rush to judge

Sometimes you might disapprove of the friends your child is making. At this age, your disapproval could just make those friends seem more attractive. First, listen without judgment and take the opportunity to discuss what it means to be a good friend. If you continue to be concerned about the connections your child is making and the influence they might be under, talk to their teacher or have a discussion with your caseworker.

Check out programs for kids in care

Some kids in care are more comfortable in the company of other kids in out-of-home care. Groups like Connecting Carers NSW, the Create Foundation and the University of Western Sydney run camps, workshops and other special programs specifically designed for kids in care.