Raising tweens

Anger is as valid as any other emotion and is something all kids need to learn to manage, especially as they approach the teenage years. The goal isn’t about feeling no anger at all; it’s about managing anger in the right way. Kids who have grown up around adults with poor anger management may be inclined to lash out. You can do a lot to teach self-awareness and self-control.

Acknowledge anger

Your child will probably give you plenty of signals when they’re angry: they’ll scowl, slam doors, throw school bags, speak rudely to you or other people in the household. But they probably won’t volunteer information about what made them angry. Let your child know you can see they’re angry and encourage them to talk about what made them feel that way.

Talk about feelings

Your child might find it hard to recognise that they are angry or to explain the reason for the anger. They may have difficulty identifying their feelings. Putting a name to feelings can be the first step. Talk about feelings on a day-to-day basis (not just when there is an anger crisis in the house), and encourage them to name and describe them. Visual cues such as happy, sad and angry faces can be helpful tools.

Empathise, but don’t excuse

When your child explains why they’re upset, let them know you can understand why that issue or event has made them angry – but also remind them that anger is not an excuse for being aggressive or rude. If they have done or said something rough or inconsiderate, ask them how they think it made the people around them feel. And ask them how it made them feel, too.

Make exercise a priority

Holding on to stress can make it all too easy to tip over into anger. You can help your child lose some of that stress by encouraging them to do some regular exercise. Some kids will enjoy fast-paced activities like team sports or athletics. Others will respond better to less competitive, more meditative activities like yoga, bushwalking, swimming and martial arts.

Identify the anger, and rate it

Teach kids how to spot when they’re beginning to get upset. Some will clench their muscles, grind their teeth, turn red or start breathing fast. Others will try to hide their anger and end up with headaches or stomach aches. Encourage them to rate their anger on a scale of one to 10. Get them to think about how their body is responding as anger increases or decreases. The angrier they are, the harder it will be to bring that anger back under control.

If the anger level is low, tactics like deep breathing, going for a walk or listening to some music can help. If it is high, your child might need to spend some time on their own, or get some help from you to calm down.

Encourage a cool down

[Taking a break from a confronting situation makes it easier to keep anger under control. Let your child know that taking time to cool down is a smart strategy, and that you will respect their need for time and privacy. The school-based mental health and wellbeing initiative KidsMatter has some great relaxation techniques for kids to try.

Time in, not ‘time out’

Some families use ‘time out’ to encourage a child to bring their behaviour back under control – but time out in isolation can be distressing for kids who have experienced trauma. For those kids, it is better to take a ‘time in’ approach. When things are getting heated, ask your child to slow down, sit down, think about what’s going on and perhaps talk it through with you.

Look for patterns and triggers

When the episode has passed, think about what triggered the rage and consider whether there are some emotions, situations or even words that commonly spark anger. Keeping a diary can help. If you see a pattern emerging, try to find an opportunity to discuss it with your child so you can both think about ways to deal with those triggers. It could be about thinking ahead to avoid those moments. Or it could be about recognising the anger reaction and finding different ways to react.

Be in it for the long run

Sometimes, anger, rage and even physical violence were the responses that helped kids who are now in care survive a chaotic or traumatic family environment. Those behaviours can take a long time to unlearn. If you can be patient, understanding and supportive and continue to model good anger management skills yourself, you will be helping to set up a happier, healthier, more productive future.

Get extra help if it's needed

If your child is frequently and intensely angry, or you feel like you are struggling to cope, let your caseworker know that you need support. For kids in care, anger is often related to genuinely challenging or traumatic life situations and it could be that professional psychological or counselling services are needed.

Look after yourself, too

These angry episodes may be more than you have ever had to handle before. If you’re really not coping, talk to the caseworker or psychologist. They may be able to suggest new tools or strategies for managing those situations. The caseworker may be able to organise some respite to give you a break.

Consider a Behaviour Support Plan

A caseworker can look at developing a Behaviour Support Plan if the child is putting themselves or others at risk of serious harm, or if their behaviour is likely to see them excluded from school or other activities. The Plan is developed collaboratively by the carer, the caseworker and relevant specialists. It describes the behaviours that are a concern and outlines safe and constructive strategies to manage or prevent the behaviour. Kids in care should never be disciplined in ways that could make them feel scared or humiliated.